Michael On our formerly so "Prenzlauer Berg"-like street, 24th Street in Noe Valley, more and more restaurants and shops are closing down and seemingly being replaced by two to three foolproof business models: nail salons and real estate agencies. Bank branches also seem to be doing well, but this monoculture is increasingly annoying the residents, who would prefer to see small fashion boutiques or old-fashioned hardware stores in the neighborhood. By the way, there are rumors that nail salons are good for money laundering, although nothing has been reported to that effect yet. In any case, I now like to call our neighborhood Noe Valley "Nail Valley".

Some store fronts remain shut for months after closing before a daring investor takes on a new project. I don't know how that adds up, but the record holder for the longest-standing vacant store on 24th Street is the Real Food grocery store, which was closed in 2003 and has not reopened since. For almost 15 years now, residents of Noe Valley have been looking incredulously at the empty storefront, for which the landlord could have easily collected $20,000 a month. Simply throwing 3.6 million dollars out the window like that is the height of stupidity.

What I've also noticesd is that newly established restaurant owners often seem to make mistakes in their cost calculations, because, and this applies nationwide in the USA, 59% give up within the first three years. Many complain about the narrow profit margins, which, to be honest, I can't quite understand given the exorbitant prices: A dinner for two at one of the restaurants on our street easily costs $100, and if it's at an exclusive high-end Japanese restaurant, more like $200.

Nevertheless, the restaurants here always fail in the same way: First, they cut back on staff, and one day you find yourself sitting in your regular spot, rubbing your eyes in disbelief because there's only one server responsible for the entire restaurant, and it takes forever for them to even come over to take your drink order. Our favorite place, "Savor," even switched to self-service last year, and guests had to pay for their food at the counter first, take a number to their table, and then a temporary worker would eventually bring the food over.

Not only did we refuse to eat there after this change, but apparently so did other people in the neighborhood, because after six months we found a flyer in the mailbox announcing that "table service" at "Savor" would be reinstated. However, it turned out that the place no longer served its famous crepes on weekdays, only on weekends. Was the preparation of the pancakes the responsibility of a highly paid specialist chef that the business couldn't afford on weekdays? I doubt it, but after a few months, a second flyer arrived, stating that crepes would now be available on weekdays as well. You scratch your head and wonder what kind of businessman makes such crazy decisions.

Meanwhile, both the restaurant "Hamlet" and the bar "Caskhouse" have closed down. Both were run by an experienced hotelier, and both were expensive and packed every evening. Then the bar started opening only on odd weekdays, and the staff at Hamlet was reduced, which led to a decline in customers. Somehow, something went wrong. How can a server, who costs maybe $30 per hour including overhead, and serves, let's say, five tables per hour, each generating $100, even be a factor in the calculation? But don't worry, I will never open a restaurant.

It's sad but true that business models that don't generate much revenue have no chance in an extremely expensive neighborhood like Noe Valley, and so it doesn't surprise me that one of our two dry cleaners has now closed or that the general store "Tuggey's" for hardware supplies, where I could always quickly buy missing screws or gaskets if I was repairing something, has also shut down. Unfortunately, I now have to go to the suburban Home Depot for that. The hardware store "Cliff's Variety" in the neighboring district "Castro" is still running, but it also sells children's toys and very tasteful knick-knacks for furnishing intellectuals' apartments. Angelika shops there regularly.

The number of pet grooming services is also steadily increasing in Noe Valley. Recently, however, a petition circulated after a chain from Los Angeles wanted to open a new pet grooming shop on 24th Street, and the neighbors were outraged because, firstly, there were already two pet groomers, and secondly, local pet grooming mom-and-pop shops are generally preferred over chains. Well, if it makes them happy, it's fine by me.

Greetings from our sometime foolish city:

Angelika and Michael

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